I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
