i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
