Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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