I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
