I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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