perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
