It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
