So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
