I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Boobs speak an international language.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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