I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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