she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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