Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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