just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
