when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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