your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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