i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
