Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
