Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
