I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
