Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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