FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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