One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
