3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just googled if crying burns calories
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
