Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
