if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
