i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
