There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
