when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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