Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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