Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
