Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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