Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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