my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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