Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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