don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
