so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
