pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
