I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize