Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
