I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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