She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
