I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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