I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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