So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
