Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
