i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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