Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
