Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
