All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
