My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
