Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
