hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
